Friday, May 25, 2012

Nothing

          I can no longer be around her because she has morphed into the person I was just a few months ago. It's as if I'm watching someone else live my past and it's unbearable. I look at her and see the startling image of myself. We are the same person, our only differences being physical. Otherwise, we are identical. Our thoughts are in sync, unintentionally telepathic. And now you're with him, the very same boy I had fawned over just months prior. Initially, I tolerated it by ignoring what was blatantly in front of me. I kept quiet because I didn't want to make a scene. But now, as I try to move on and reinvent myself, everything has resurfaced and I'm constantly confronted with his lack of shame and your oblivion to my pain. What can I do except pace my room during the darkest hour of the night and dwell on my misery and misfortune. So many sleepless nights were spent thinking about the words I didn't say but wanted to. I am paralyzed, trapped within my own pathetic complacency without a reason why. I have never felt the desire to seek revenge but I find myself wishing to bestow harm on him for I strongly feel that he should not be permitted to get away with all the harm he has caused - all those insomniac nights, my sobs resounding in the darkness, my cheeks constantly damp, my eyes swollen red, the false hope, the disappointment, the self-loathing that caused me to be impulsive and cut off all my hair, and the emptiness that dulled my senses and rendered me a zombie. It's disgusting how much impact he has had on my life, how much he has destroyed. I look at my surroundings and watch my once joyous life deteriorate to ash before my eyes. I see my friends slipping away due to our differing opinions, I see my home lying in ruins. I look at myself and am shocked at my minute pupils, sallow sockets, painted mouth slightly imperfect, and indifferent expression.
          I am a lot happier than I was a few months ago. For a while, I thought I had moved on. I thought I was capable of dealing with the problems that were arising. I don't doubt the strength of my character, I just can't bear to witness this betrayal anymore. Even though my wounds are healed and protected by new layers of flesh, they still remain.

  Untitled

2 comments:

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