Monday, December 17, 2012


    How is it that my affection - once so arduous and consuming - has completely dissipated in one night? I had been waiting to see him for three weeks. Three tortuous weeks in which I've spent experiencing a myriad of emotions: sadness, hopelessness, and grief. I have been harrowed by the thought of him; of his bronze skin, his lovely laugh, and tender touch. I had so much anticipation for our next clandestine meeting. 
    When I finally saw him, he had looked the same as before. No incandescent mandorla encircled him. Nothing about him indicated the brilliant radiance I had imagined exuding from his skin in my dreams. It simply wasn't there. And once we had performed our duties, we parted ways and I was left feeling strangely whole and enlightened. As I watched the eerie darkness swallow his silhouette, I realized he meant nothing to me. Nothing at all. 
    Three weeks I was convinced that I was hopelessly infatuated with him. And suddenly the tears, the fear of losing him, the salacity, and passionate affection deliquesced in a mere hour, almost as if it never existed. 

(Also, here is my most recent shoot with the lovely Joy.)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

High School Lover

     It's hard to believe I'm a senior now and that soon high school will be over. Soon it will dwindle through my finger tips and be no more. Am I sad? Am I happy? Ever since I was a freshman, I had been looking forward to graduate. I saw myself as significantly more mature than everyone around me; I felt miserable because most of my peers didn't live up to my expectations. Three years later, I still feel the same way. But I've become more accepting of it; I realize that I will always feel disconnected with my age group because I have an old soul. My maturation was premature; I have the mind of a thirty year old but am trapped in the body of a seventeen year old. 
     Not having to see my intolerable peers makes me look forward to leaving. Yet I am terrified; what lies beyond high school? College is the obvious answer, but it's more than that. Graduating is an emotional transition. I will have to face the real world; no longer can I hide away in the hallways of my high school, eluding my imminent adult responsibilities. Soon there will be no facade to conceal me from the brutalities of the real world. This terrifies me. And I know that once I graduate, I'll never be able to go back. I can only relive my high school memories in my mind.
     While the idea of leaving is petrifying, it's also exciting. I have waited for this moment for so long. Soon I will be moving on with my life, escaping the bubble of the town I live in and exploring the world, finding myself and acquiring knowledge and experience. Soon, soon.

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