Monday, June 11, 2012


     Bonjour! I have been back from Paris for over two months now and I miss it more with every day that passes me by. When people ask about my trip, it's difficult to find the words to recount all that I saw and the way I felt when surrounded by such beauty. It's not impossible; through my words and photographs, I am at least somewhat capable of recounting my trip on a superficial level. But how could I ever show the people interested in my experience the way I felt? How could someone understand the completeness I experienced when I was standing amongst a throng of Parisians on the cobblestone street with a delightful ice cream cone in my hand and my camera in the other. How could someone fathom the immense joy I derived from drinking wine on the patio of the flat we rented while watching the gems of the Eiffel Tower sparkle in the fading light. These moments were bittersweet because they were fleeting; and I knew that soon I'd be going back to America, the home that wasn't home. Often times - during conversations with my mother - I would jokingly ask "could you just leave me here?". She would laugh and comment on how she too dreaded the journey back but I don't think she knew that I meant every word I said. I wanted to stay. For this foreign place - this new and exciting city sprawling before me - felt more of a home than California did. I knew no one here, I spoke very little French, and I barely knew how to navigate around, but for the first time, I felt pure bliss. That bliss was derived from the fact that I was fulfilling a lifelong dream, that I was surrounded by originality and beauty, and that my being felt whole and was cohesive with my environment. How glorious it is to feel like you belong! At that moment, I realized that everyone should experience this. That everyone should search for the place that best reflects the person that lies within for it evokes creativity and the thrill that comes from being alive. In Paris, I felt so alive. Even though it was freezing and my limbs were often numb from all the rain, I felt human. I felt all my emotions so strongly and suddenly, I saw the world with clarity. Everything caught my eye and I would observe my surroundings with I always knew before I went to Paris that I'd find something incomprehensible; and I did.
    I don't want to reveal too much too soon; I'm currently working on a booklet with a zine-esque layout about my trip to Paris. It'll include my photographs, reflections, and journal entries. But for now, here is a sneak preview of my time in Paris!

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Friday, June 1, 2012

Rust and Stardust

          You have been replaced with the fabricated hologram of a potential lover. You no longer bring the thrill to my life or fulfill my thirst for reciprocated affection. I have found someone much better, someone utterly oblivious to my lustful gaze and romantic prose. Someone I can fantasize about while lying in my desolate bed, someone I can impose personality traits on without their knowing. Someone I can claim as my own. He lives an ordinary life but is living, breathing, and walking in the corridors of my mind simultaneously. He becomes a greater person when I write or think about him, even though our verbal exchanges are limited - practically nonexistent - and our relationship is merely acquaintances. 
          But even all of this is not enough to distract me from my infinite melancholy. The melancholy that will never fade, regardless of how much happiness I experience in my mundane life. It is always there, sometimes more prominent and sometimes less obvious; but it is there, lurking, thriving, manifesting. To an outsider, it’s a morose idea to live in a constant state of sadness. However, I have come to terms with it and have even embraced it for it inspires artistic creation and has made me even more profound. No one will ever take away my melancholy for it has become so engrained in my person that it defines me. Not even you could shatter my hypnotic state; for although you brought me joy and blessed me with adventure, I was still sad and so that’s how it will remain. 

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