Friday, September 28, 2012

Silver Soul

     It's almost been a month since I started my senior year of high school and nothing seems to have changed. I'm still in the same place as I was last year. I still don't relate to the majority of my school. I'm still the same cynical young girl. The only thing separating this year from the other three is that the end is now in sight. The future is brewing on the horizon. I can see it from where I stand now, but it's hazy for I'm unsure of what awaits me. Soon I will be confronted with life-altering choices. And while I'm excited, I'm also terrified. I feel so torn.
     I am going to college. I don't know where or for what; all I know is that I'm going. 
     For the longest time, my dream school was FIDM. My greatest life ambition was to be a fashion designer but now I have doubts. It's not that I stopped loving fashion, I've just discovered I have other passions. Writing and photography have been so prominent in my life this past year that I'm convinced that I want to pursue either or. I just don't know which one to choose. I know I could incorporate both into my life/career but I want to pick one of them to really focus on. But which one? Eventually I will be able to answer this question. But right now, I wish someone would tell me what to do so I wouldn't have to make the decision myself. I wish someone could forecast the future and tell me which path would lead me to success. 
     While I weigh out the pros and cons of each pathway, I cannot help but think of that famous Robert Frost quote:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference."

     As cliche as it is, it's relevance to my dilemma is too significant to ignore. I have so many pathways and roads to explore and opportunities to seize! I'm so young. The big world is splayed before me, offering so many different things yet I'm paralyzed. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I don't know what kind of impact I want to make. I don't know where I'm going. I don't have direction. I'm so scared. Yet so enthralled with it all. I could do anything! I can be anyone I please! I could go anywhere. I can fulfill my dreams. 
     When the time comes, I know I will take the road less traveled by and it will make all the difference. 

 These photos are taken by me.

Thursday, September 20, 2012


     It was so thrilling to think that we shared something unbeknownst to the masses; for when we saw each other in a public place, we were merely friends. Yet behind closed doors, a torrid affair was rapidly commencing. Our relationship was ours and no one else's; no one had the power to take it away from us. No one would question it because no one would know. The fact that it was hidden from suspicious and prowling eyes made it all the better. The clandestine nature of our relations made it all the more exciting. 
     I believe that I will always remember the night it first started. We were sitting in my room, just us, and your body was close to mine but not uncomfortably near. And then you scooted closer and brought your lips to mine and there was little distance between our faces, even when we stopped kissing to talk. And as I ran my fingers through your thick hair and rested my arms on your shoulders, you told me you weren't capable of having a serious relationship. I said I wasn't either. You said you were emotionally drained from a nine month relationship that had ended tragically. I said my horrid experience with a idiotic boy caused me to crave casual instead of serious. It's as if our thoughts were adjacent; we were going in the same direction from the beginning.
     There were many other moments like this too. Moments that were sexually satisfying but really meant nothing at all. I'm not saying I regret them; they were fun, exhilarating, and rebellious. We were the quintessential lust-driven teenagers.   We would stay out late, lie to our parents and friends, kiss in the dark, and smoke cigarettes. We had to rely on nature to provide us with privacy yet we didn't mind. We just accepted that this was the way it was. 
    Four months have passed since that one fateful night in my bedroom; yet things have remained the same. I know more about you now than I did before - your dreams, your past, your personality. And I'm sure you have a better idea of what I'm all about. But there is no progression, no growth. Yet why does this disappoint me? Our relationship was established based on the pretenses that there would be no emotional attachments. And I'm starting to realize that I desire this, just not with you.
     I'm sorry. I think this is going to have to end soon. 

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These pictures are not by me. Please click on the photo to be linked back to it's original source.