Sunday, April 14, 2013

Why Have You Left Me Alone?

     I have written so much about you, even though I promised myself I would no longer waste any more words on you. How could I not though? I am so deeply affected by what you did to me that I can't help but pour my soul out through writing. You probably never think about me anymore and that thought pains me. Because whenever I hear your name or see your face, my grief vibrates throughout my bones and wrenches my heart. My body longs for you; but my mind is the only thing keeping me from falling to your feet and begging you to come back, back, back to me. I know better. But I can't help but feel weak when I'm near you. 
     I have this fantasy that one day, after a year or two of not speaking, our paths will yet again intertwine. I imagine us sitting somewhere and reflecting on what we used to be. Why do I have this terrible feeling that something like that would never happen? Why do I have this horrible instinct that we'll never speak again? It pains me to think of such awful things but I can't help it. The day we parted ways, I made it clear I didn't want to be anything, not even friends. And while I don't know if I regret that yet, I do know that I ruined our chances of ever being even acquaintances again. 
     How strange it is to go from something to absolutely nothing. In a mere hour, we severed all the ties between us. I watched you walk away from me without looking back. I watched our affection turn to dust and fall through my fingertips. I knew it was for the best. I still know that now. But I still mourn. I mourn because you never gave me a chance. I mourn because you never let me try and chip away at the wall you built around yourself. Even when we embraced and kissed and touched, even when I was the closest I could physically get to you, the barrier still remained. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. You always said you were curious about how I looked when I was sad; well here is your opportunity. Look upon this tangle of shattered illusions and inconsolable sorrow. 

Photo taken by me.

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