I've been spending too much time awake yet I've been doing nothing except stare at the wall. It's unhealthy to be conscious for all this time; I should sleep. My eyes hurt, my body is fatigued, and my mind has not had the chance to rest. I've been dwelling on my loneliness and my lack of faith in the world. I want to die. Perhaps this is just a phase, perhaps my negativity is dragging me further down into my self-loathing. I don't know, I haven't thought about the future at all lately. I'm just trying to maintain my existence on a daily basis at this point.
When I read what I have written in the past (such as the excerpt above), during a time when I was experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil, I am shocked at my pessimism. My life now is so different in comparison that it's difficult for me to relate to the person I used to be. I was shaken by the drama occurring in my life. I had lost faith in humanity; it seemed that everyone I loved betrayed me. I began to see the world for what it was, instead of the facade it originally was portrayed as. I was exhausted and depressed. I felt my will to live slowly dwindle away; the nothingness of death seemed more appealing to me than the harsh realities of life. I had spent so many nights alone, sobbing to the silence, begging some divinity to alleviate my misery. I had so many questions and no answers. Nobody knew of the storm raging within me even though it was obvious. I cut off all my hair hoping to feel something, yet felt nothing at all. I felt ugly, inadequate, hopeless. The promises of the future couldn't even pull me out of my agonized state. I was slowly dying while the world was blooming with life.
I eventually managed to pull myself out of my downward spiral; I don't know how, but I did. I'm happier now and look forward to the opportunities and experiences that await me. I am once again rejuvenated, inspired by the immense beauty of the world. And even though I rarely think about that awful period of time, I will never forget. For I have my writing and emotional scars to remind me of who I once was.
These pictures are not by me. Please click on the photo to be linked back to it's original source.